“Get Into S&M and Stay Young. Spike and Slap Your Face,” says the Mistress of Anti-Aging Agony

If you’re anything like me, you own several pairs of 4 to 5 inch heels.  You are willing to stagger forth unto the night while knowing that you will have to have more than a few drinks to mask the agony of pinched toes and cramped feet.  Buried inside you are visuals of grandma’s bunions, corns and misshapen elephant trompers – an ode to vanity and a warning…  My Grandma Daisy always told me she could spot a woman who had never worn heels by her fat ankles.  Apparently, wearing high heels elevates the muscles in the lower leg thereby thinning the ankle.  Grandma also believed that heels made it easier for men to chase us as we were handicapped in our movements.  She was a firm believer in them.

In exchange for feeling taller with shapelier legs we embrace pain and deformity.  We grab it in a bear hug in fact – after realizing that we own more than 200 pairs of towering hoof talons.

But what does any of this have to do with simple anti-aging tips?

If you want to slow the aging process naturally (sans Botox and surgery), you will have to joyfully accept some pain – as you do with those glorious 5 inch Louboutins.

So let me be your Mistress of Agony and tell you what to do.

As soon as you read this article you will:

  • Go on amazon and order 6 of the generic version of the derma roller (cheaper).  Choose the needles with the smallest diameter.
  • Once they arrive, you will make rolling your face with needles a part of your nightly ablutions 2x per week.  After cleaning your face with lukewarm water (this temperature allows the pores to open slightly and flush out the day’s ‘accumulations’), you will briskly roll your face with enough pressure to have an attack of Turret’s Syndrome. Roll for 5 minutes – and I want your stopwatch on.
  • Your skin is red – outraged.  But more punishment awaits. Fear not.
  •  Slice open an organic lemon and move it over your face.
  • Leave the juice on for 3 minutes. And time it.
  • Make sure your tap water is ICY cold and splash face for 2 minutes.
  • Now, slap your face a few times for further stimulation.
  • If you have a facial roller (like the Dowager Queen of China), roll briskly to even out circulation and blood flow.
  • Apply a light almond oil.

In case you are wondering why I told you to buy 6 of the micro needle rollers, it is very simple. One is for your travel bag.  One is for your girlfriend – spread the pain! And one is for your knees which, if rolled, have tighter skin. The other two are spares – in case you drop one on the floor – which can bend the needles.

The act of rolling with needles in a pressurized fashion makes your skin believe it is being damaged. It responds immediately by producing more collagen – hello plumpier skin!  The citric acid in lemon cleans your pores and helps slosh off dead cells.  Fresh lemon is also filled with fresh vitamin C and it is being delivered directly into your needle poked skin! Forget all those creams that claim to have vitamin C!  Real vitamin C in fruit oxidizes in less than 24 hours.

So listen to your Mistress of Anti-Aging Agony – or else…

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